Sunday, August 18, 2013

Thank You, Everyone!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who emailed me and commented on my last post about my meltdown.  I am continually amazed at the generosity and kindness of people I have never met in person, but I should not be.  Your support has been tremendous, and I am so grateful to have so many wonderful friends.  These friendships, and your encouragement and support, mean the world to me.  I really appreciate your concern, but please do not worry about me.  I go through this angst every time I write a tutorial.  It's part of my process to get to the best tutorial I can write.   I would not know how to act if everything went smoothly with no hiccups.  Is that the way it works for anyone?  

I appreciate the offers of pre-orders, but I don't think I will ever be able to do that.  I would feel even more pressure to get this thing done, but I really thank you for offering, and for caring so much!  

And it won't be too much longer on the new tutorial, I promise!   

Saturday, August 17, 2013

When Your Stress Level Goes Through The Roof

Faux Boulder Turquoise
It is always aa trying time for me when I write a new tutorial.  It seems old Karma picks that time to kick me in the butt, every time.  Stupid stuff goes wrong, the accidents keep piling up, and my stress level goes through the roof.  

Naturally, when a tutorial is now almost 4 months past the original date I had hoped to have it published, well, you can just imagine how stressed I am.  

Unfortunately, the new faux tutorial is still not finished.  In the past three weeks, I lost hundreds of photos, my camera died on me, my printer died on me, and my beloved Nesco oven died on me.  Ask me which is worse.  At this point, I couldn't tell you.  

Having no steady income means that sometimes, new supplies have to wait for the income to catch up to the need, but when three absolute necessities such as a camera, printer and oven go kaput, frustration quickly turns to despair.  I learned that when you work for yourself, a business loan is much harder to get.  The banker actually laughed at me.  I was so embarrassed.  Good credit will only take you so far.  They actually want to know that you can repay the loan.  Imagine that.  

I looked at some of the online lenders, like Kiva and others, but they would take longer than I have to get the new equipment and get the tutorial published. 

Faux Purple turquoise with genuine purple Howlite beads
I had to resort to selling some things I had hoped never to have to part with, more so because they were my insurance against something happening that I couldn't pay for in the future... oh, wait, something did happen that I couldn't pay for, so then depression set in when I realized, what will I do if something really bad happens in the future?  

All this put me in a bad place for the last two weeks, and I don't mind telling you, I was scared. Very scared.  I suddenly didn't like this full time artist business.  My creativity level has sunk to an all-time low.  I think my muse is even terrified of me.  

Luckily, all the basic technique photos were shot before the camera died.  I was able to find the same model of camera, my beloved Canon Powershot SX110is, on ebay, for a fraction of its original cost.  It arrived yesterday, and so far it works just fine.  

Faux Yellow Turquoise andAutumn Jasper
Before I found the Canon, I dug out my old Sony Mavica to use, then realized I had never used an SD card with it, only a floppy disc.   I took about a hundred pictures on it, then tried to stick the floppy into my laptop.  Guess what? It ain't got no stinkin' floppy drive!

This is the kind of stupid thing I do when in the throes of tutorial meltdown.  I don't think logically. I went and bought an SD card, with my increasingly small stash of emergency money, only to discover I bought a "Pro" SD card, not a "non Pro" SD card, which of course, an old Sony Mavica uses instead of a "Pro." Naturally.  I wasted a quarter of a tank of gas and 25 bucks figuring out that one.  

Do you ever have days you feel like nothing you do is right?   Yep, that's me, on day 23 of this pity party for one.  All this negativity isn't helping, I know, but for now, that's just where I am.  So, pardon my blue funk for a bit longer while you wait on the new tutorial.  

Faux Dalmation Jasper with Pink Rhodocrhosite and Blue Turquoise
The good news, and there is good news, is that I got the new camera out today and recreated some of the recipes in the new faux tutorial just to get my mind in the right mood to create.  So far, so good.

Here are a few more of the photos I took before the camera debacle, some Boulder Turquoise, Purple Turquoise, Yellow Turquoise with Autumn Jasper, Dalmation Jasper with Pink Rhodochrosite. and Blue Turquoise, and a mosaic mishmash of Lapis and various Turquoises.  

I can't bring myself to put out a tutorial that is nothing less than my best, and it just isn't quite there yet.  Good things come to those who wait, right?  

Someone should have told me when I started creating stuff that people with OCD shouldn't be artists.  That, paired with being a left-handed, Type A personality perfectionist... I was doomed from the start!